Bio of a Pyro

This site is dedicated to all those with pyromaniac tendencies, a love of fire, passion for the hypnotic effects of a gently flickering flame and the testosterone induced euphoria of its absolute destructive power.

Before I begin this self-indulgent flashback to my childhood, there are a few legal things I'd like to make perfectly clear. I do not condone my own actions, this was simply one of the ways I expressed my creative and destructive tendencies in my youth. This is not a guide for others. I certainly hope nobody feels the urge to duplicate these rather dangerous experiments because they could easily prove fatal. I am simply recounting personal experience for posterity of the net, and if after reading this you are struck with the uncontrollable desire to re-enact these events you cannot hold me or my ISP nor anyone associated with this website accountable, after all its your life, and how you chose to end it is your own damn business.

The following text contains vivid descriptions of personal injury, illegal activity, and extreme property damage. Viewer discretion is advised. I've always found it interesting how warnings like this tend to draw more people to something.

"If the five characteristics of life are it breaths, it consumes, it leaves waste, it reproduces, and it dies, then is fire alive?" - Ash

A quick insight into the life of the writer and this page
The players in our story
The Four Rules of Pyro - Live by them, die by them
Device test results
Incident Reports

The Authors Notes

First and foremost I have to tell you that every single word of this is true. Whether or not you chose to believe it is your own choice. As a brilliant literary genius once said, "Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and they all stink." I have not fabricated nor embellished upon any of the information you might be about to read. If that scares you at all, please feel free to link to some readily available "feel good" sites, although you won't find any linked from here.

Throughout this commentary, I may refer to the "voice in my head". I am not schizophrenic or possessed by Satan, although for the purposes of plot development or your own comfort with this material you may choose to believe I am. I do have an inner monologue, which occasionally becomes an inner dialog, although I've never been very good at multitasking... The closest way I can relate this concept with you is a color commentary on a sports broadcast, or for those of you who watched Magnum PI© as a kid, those little explanatory bits Tom Seleck would do during scene transitions. Usually it makes sense while you read so don't be too alarmed. They are easy to pick out because I've conveniently italicized them. Good for me.

I have, as if it makes you feel any better, grown up to be a partially responsible adult with a passing interest in pyro as related to national holidays, birthday parties and campfires.

The inspiration to actually sit down and put these thoughts to disk came from a related URL called simply the rocket car. Its a great, and subsequently long, read. However since its been removed from the net for reasons unexplained to me, you will not be able to enjoy it.

The Players

Our group was pretty tight at the time. We had only three solid core members, but we had lots of people who liked to show up for events and watch from a safe distance.

Ash - Yup I was generally the voice of reason. I have an over-developed sense of self-preservation. I was the guy who generally was overheard saying "Ya guys I know that will work, but is it really worth the community service?" I also came up with some of the basic designs and stepping stone improvements.

Smoke - the supply man. Nah we won't use his real name either. He could get a hold of almost anything, and usually did. His basement looked like a chemical warfare factory and was generally used as a laboratory... and occasionally a testing area. Testing indoors is generally considered bad form unless the owner is present and consents to doing so. Please feel free to review rule number one at this time.

Fire - the engineer. This guy is a regular Tim frickin Taylor reborn. Lets put it this way, he felt the need to build a 650cc "golf cart". I mean who really needs to play a round of golf in 22 minutes anyway? Generally he was the guy who would take a simple idea, sit with a calculator for a few minutes working out the physics of it ll and modify the designs to optimize potential (read: destruction) and calculate where we needed to be to avoid personal injury (read: blown into tiny bits).

Over time we probably had 8 or more drifters who showed for multiple "events", but sooner or later they all got tired or scared or drummed out and left.

The Rules

Over time we created a basic set of four rules. Its definitely not perfect, but it covered the majority of issues we ran across during our time. I cannot tell you how many times these rules have saved us, so if you get some stupid idea to run out and try some of this stuff, you may want to give them some serious consideration... then again, maybe not.

RULE #1: NEVER EVER EVER EVER blow something up in or right next to your house. It makes a helluva mess and people will know who to talk to about damage... and damage is expensive. Also if you are like me and have a fence around your yard, you may find your possibilities for escape seriously limited in an emergency. Besides the further from civilization you are, the less chance you'll get caught at all.

RULE #2: If it doesn't blow up, leave it the hell alone. Then leave it alone some more. After a long time, carefully check things out. You'd be amazed at how many times something didn't happen until after we decided it was safe to check things out. This rule will save your life.

RULE #3: Glass makes a bad container. I mean I've tried some bone-headed ideas, but glass containers where one of the worst. Nothing like something going boom, followed quickly by a lot of dangerous debris flying through the air at high speed and nowhere to run to ruin your day. As a side note, chunks of glass hurt, especially hot sooty pieces of glass embedded in vital parts of your anatomy, like you knee, and doctors love to ask questions about stuff like that. And nobody like to answer those kinds of questions so you end up removing shrapnel on your own with tweezers and a lot of alcohol... but I've already said too much.

RULE #4: Smoke is a great way to get caught. Lets face it people, bystanders love a show and nothing says CHECK THIS OUT! more than a flash of light and a one hundred foot high mushroom cloud rising into the air... I mean somebody is going to notice. 'Nuff said.